Struggles & Heartbreak

Photo Credit: Pixabay

So, there have been a lot of changes going on in my life here of late. One, I’ve been accepted into graduate school for my Masters of Library Science degree (Yay!). Two, my fiancé was also accepted into graduate school (also a Yay!). However, we were accepted into two different schools in two different states. Also, we were going to get married in August-- a week before our classes start.

To make a long story short, panic set in and a lot of decisions were made in a short amount of time that, all summed together, painted a portrait of two people in love, walking down two very separate life paths.

Could we have found a compromise? I feel like somewhere, there’s always a compromise worth making if both parties put their whole hearts and souls into creating one. Somewhere along the line, however, one of our hearts faltered. We are no longer together.

There are several emotions I could list for you about how I’m currently feeling about my situation. It sucks to find myself alone after seven wonderful, difficult, loving, and heartbreaking years. It reminds me a lot of high school and it dredges up a lot of old insecurities revolving around not being good enough.

But bringing you down or causing you undue worry isn't my goal today. Instead I want to share with you something I read by another author, Lizbeth Meredith (How to Manage the Tone Of Your Author’s Page), that stated that it’s important to blog about our negative experiences, just as much as we do about our successes. It helps readers see that you, too, are human. (And that negative experiences are normal and part of being a human!) It’s also a way to connect with someone else who is going through a similar experience.

Well, here is my struggle; my broken heart upon my sleeve. I am human and my heart bleeds for a future that will never be. And it doesn’t matter how much I tell myself that if our relationship was meant to be, we would have found a solution. I have to accept this new change. Only time heals a broken heart. There’s no rushing it… Blah, blah, blah. It's all sound advice, honest...

But…

I’ve discovered that I’m struggling to find myself in the chaos that is my mind. What does it mean to be just “me” and not “we”—even when I already did so many of my everyday tasks by myself? It’s scary to notice all of the little things in my life that have changed after losing someone who held so much of my heart. All of the things that shouldn’t be any different—going to bed at night, waking up in the morning, hanging out with friends, eating dinner—suddenly are. I don't like how vulnerable I feel with all of these changes. Now, more than ever I just want to feel empowered.

Some days, I'm perfectly fine. Nothing can bring me down. Other days, my heart betrays me by replaying all of the happy and joyous moments from our shared past. In the dead of night, my mind whispers dark untruths about how much I'm burdening the people I lean on during my harder days. It reminds me how they've suffered through far worse than me.

But the truth is, we all handle our individual situations differently. A breakup is a big deal. And it's okay to take the time to feel and process those powerful emotions as long as precautions are taken to ensure that they are evaluated and felt in a safe manner and environment.

Readers, I hope life is treating you with far more favor. I don't wish this kind of heartache on anyone.

If life's not treating you well, remember, there are places you can turn to for help. Don’t let yourself get drown out by the overwhelming tide of emotions that threaten to knock you off your feet. Your struggle doesn’t have to be a solo journey.

There are always people who care and you are NOT a burden to them. No matter what your inner demons may tell you in the dark of night between ragged breaths and silent tears. You are NOT a burden.

If you are struggling, please know that you are not alone. And you don’t have to suffer in silence. Should you or a friend ever need them, these nonjudgmental and confidential sites and numbers are available to you free of charge 24/7:

• Suicide Hotline Website, Phone: 1 (800) 273-8255 
• Crisis Hotline Website, Phone: 1 (800) 273-8255 
• BeThe1To (5 steps to help prevent suicide)
• Mental Health America
• And if you're ever scared for your own life, or someone else's, never hesitate to dial 911

Remember, you are not a burden and you are not alone.

You are enough.

--Larkynn